Having a Cow, Part 3

I swear, right now, every time I look at a cow on the road, I see a big juicy burger on legs!

I've been having this fantasy on the way to work the past few days.... we're heading down the highway and I see this cow on the road. I ask my driver, Suraj, if I could bribe him to 'bump' into it. He laughs. He doesn't realize how serious I am. A moment of madness overtakes me, and I grab the wheel at the last second and swerve the car into the oncoming cow, making sure we both duck just before impact.

"Mooooooo. Crash! Thunk."

Emerging from the wreckage, I calmly get some steak knives out of my laptop bag while saying to my driver and the gathering crowd: "Well that's certainly a shame, isn't it? Why don't I just whip out the Barbecue I happened to have packed in the trunk here, and we can all try and make the best of this situation! No use crying over spilled milk, after all."

Dealing with Touts and 'Tour Guides' in India

One of the most tiring aspects of India, especially if you're a visible minority, is the constant badgering of offers for goods and services. I must admit, one of the few redeeming aspects of Gurgaon is that I don't get bothered at all, since it's mostly locals who live here, but at the tourist sites it is another story.

Unlike Southeast Asia, where after a polite but firm 'No', people will back off, here in India, they quite simply do not relent. At the Taj yesterday, as I walked 'The Gauntlet', each guide would go over their proposed tour and all the details I would cover. Several mintues of ignoring them mixed with 'No Thanks' didn't phase them. When the final emphatic 'No!' finally dissuaded them, the next guide in line would take over, totally undeterred by the fact they just watch me blow off the previous one. Every young adult male in India, it appears, is a tour guide.

But at least those guys are honest. Worse still are the supposedly 'free' guides who hang out at the sites, but very much expect a 'tip' at the end. You can spot them quickly enough by their doting, sycophantic behaviour, which becomes nauseating after the first 5 minutes. In this country, where everyone has to fend for themselves to survive, anyone demonstrating such attentive fervour in definitely looking to profit from you in some way.

So reflecting on this past weekend, I've been thinking of some strategies to deal with this issue. Here is what I thought up:

1) Pretend to not understand English well. ("No speak English good, Sprechen Sie Deutche?") Who would have thought my introductory German course would come in handy here?

2) I've noticed the 'free' guides invariably home in on white tourists. So next time, I plan to pass them off to some local Indian tourists (Hey, this guy here is offering free tours, would you like one?)

3) Though ignoring them doesn't always work, I've though of a way to step it up a notch. While they're going on about a tour, stare at them with a blank look, whip out your MP3 player (which I'll now be carrying on tour days), put in put in your earphones then walk away. I can't think of a more deliberate way to shut someone out.

4) If I'm in the mood for a tour, confront of be direct. "How much do you want? What you ask for is what for now is what you'll get from me"

So I'll be trying these out over the next few days to see how they work, and let you know of the results. If anyone has any other creative suggestions, please leave a comment.

I think I finally truly understand how the 'hot babe' at the nighclub feels, constantly being hit on by an endless barrage of chumps. To keep you sanity, to have to make it a game, and think of innovative and entertaining ways to shoot them down, or you'll go mad.

Having a Cow, Part 2

These days, whenever I pass a cow wandering on the road, I find myself looking around for a large blunt object, some firewood, and to see if anyone's looking. To date, I have not had the fortunate intersection of all three events simultaneously. I don't know how much longer I can take this....

To all you vegetarians you there offended by my thoughts, I offer in my defense the irrefutable logic of Homer Simpson: "If God didn't want us to eat cows, he wouldn't have made them taste so good!"

Agra and the Taj Mahal

This morning I arrived at Steve and Tyler's Hotel at 6AM for our trip to Agra. Steve unfortunately came down with something, so it was down to Tyler and I. Ciena provided them with a car and driver, so we made use of it to do the 200 km trip to Agra, which on Indian highways takes four hours.

We started off by going to the Tomb of Akbar the Great, which is an impressive piece of Mughal Architecture built of red sandstone and inlaid with white marble, and built between 1605-1613.

We then headed off to the Taj Mahal, perhaps one of the most iconic structures on the planet. The gauntlet between the parking lot and entrance is the most unappealing part of Agra, having to relentlessly dodge touts and tour guides, but we were through it quick enough.

I vividly remember the first time I came here two years ago. I figured I had to see the place since I was here, but I had already pre-judged that it was an overrated tourist trap, and was quite ready to diss it. Then when I walked though the main gate and beheld it for the first time, I was totally blown away as the the Taj smacked me upside the head with its palpable splendour. This time, the effect wasn't the same, since I knew what to expect, but it did not disappoint either.

It's one of those place whose presence you just cannot capture with a photograph. What makes it so incredible is that it is impressive at all scales of perception. From the majestic layout of the courtyard, to the stunning white marble construction of the buildings, to the detailed inlay work on all the marble surfaces with semi-precious stones, it is a coherent statement of extravagance and attention to detail.

Following this, be began our drive back to Delhi. It began to rain again, and halfway through the drive back I really began to wish we were back already, as I didn't know how much longer my nerves would be able to take the constant 'close calls' on the highway traffic. It got to the point where I couldn't look forwards anymore. I had to look sideways, or close my eyes, or 'disconnect' with my MP3 player and go to my happy place. But since you're reading this, you know we made it back in one piece.

Another Day Trip to Delhi

For Independence Day yesterday, I just hung out around my guesthouse.

Today I met up with Tyler and Steve, two Americans who were at the Ciena offices this week. We went to Qutb Minar, which I had seen on a previous outing. We then went to Dilli Haat, a place where you can buy Indian crafts, and in typical Asian fashion, you have to haggle, starting low enough so you can finish at 50% of their initial asking price.

After lunch, we went to Jantar Mantar, a fairly unique 18th century astronomical observatory. If you can imagine it, it looks like what you would expect if you asked Antoni Gaudi to design a skateboard park with a ski jump in the middle of it. If if you can't imagine it that way, try Salvador Dali meets Stonehenge.

Rather than telescopes and sextants, they used large structures (called Yantras) to precisely measure celestial events like the motion of the sun, moons, stars and planets with an apparently high degree of precision. I'm always amazed with how some cultures, with very basic measuring technology, were able to discover things like the precession of the seasons, which required some pretty systematic long term measurement taking and some pretty refined mathematics.

Alas, the experience was a bit mired because of a 'free tour guide', who kept insisting on giving me a free tour, only to unsurprisingly, ask for a tip at the end of it. How many times can you say 'No thanks?'

Following this, we went to Laxmi Narayan, a temple built in honour of the Hindu goddess, Lakshmi, who was consort to Lord Vishnu. Considering it was built in 1622, it showed its age very gracefully. It is still very much a 'working temple', with lots of worshipers around performing pujas.

All in all, a pretty relaxed day out.

Independence Eve in India

Tomorrow, August 15th, is Independence Day here in India. Upon first hearing this, I was looking forward to checking out the event. However, after talking to my co-workers, unlike most places, where the Nation's creation is celebrated with gatherings and festivities everywhere, things here are very subdued, mostly due to security. Delhi itself (which is both the Capital and a state) goes into a military lockdown mode, with checkpoints into and out of it and a huge military presence. My colleagues told me that most people just spend the day at home with friends and family.

Alas, today's Bollywood dance class was cancelled so people could beat the rush home for the long weekend. At first, I didn't give this too much thought. Later, as I looked outside, the heavens opened, as it is presently the tail end of monsoon season here in India. The downpour was torrential. When it finished, the roads outside were not merely big puddles, but entire canals, filled 4 inches deep in water. City planners obviously hadn't thought through basic things like storm sewers for a city in the monsoon region. (More on this in a future post). Alas, I didn't bring my camera to work today, as the scene outside was incredible.

So my driver picked me up around 6PM, the start of rush-hour. Oh my god what an epic. Between the long weekend and the deluge, traffic was completely seized up. At one point it took us 15 minutes to go 100m. At our present rate, I was forecasting getting back to the hotel after midnight. I seriously thought of getting out and walking through the heavy drizzle at one point. Then, there is a knock on the window, and the current driver gets out, and is replaced with Suraj, the owner/driver of the taxi company that the hotel uses, and who occasionally drives me to work. Where he came from, I had no clue, but I've learned not to dwell too much on these imponderables here in India, as things like this just happen.

An older gentleman, Suraj is good; he knows Gurgaon (where I am staying/working) like the back of his hand, and where traffic is at what time. After another 15 minute crawl to the next intersection, he busts left, down a small service road, and speeds down all these quiet, winding back roads, and within 20 minutes, we are back at the hotel. What is normally a half hour drive was over and an hour and a half, and would have potentially been an all-nighter, if not for the mysterious appearance of Suraj and his stellar navigation skills.

Having a Cow

India is a land of much intrigue and many mysteries. One of the greatest mysteries to me, is the fact that so much of the population is underfed and malnourished, while there is all this perfectly good, in fact wonderfully delicious, protein wandering around on hooves in their midst.

I keep suspecting that the odd one must 'disappear' from time to time, but to date, I have not seen any 'Have you seen this cow?' missing posters on any of the billboards I've walked past.

Legendary Indian Traffic

Everyone has probably heard stories about the traffic in India, but unless you've been here, you really cannot comprehend it. It's like, even though you've read stories about astronauts, unless you were one of the fortunate few to walk on the moon, you can't really know what it's like. And even once you get used to it, you still see things that make you shake your head.

Like my driver, wanting to avoid a traffic jam, swerving into the other side of the boulevard and bearing down on oncoming traffic for half a kilometer, to avoid the delay. Transport trucks on the highway, turned sideways. Groups of 20 or 30 people crossing four lanes of a highway in a spread out herd, in the midst of oncoming traffic, and a like ghost being sprayed with bullets, emerging unscathed at the other side. I had to close my eyes for that one. I can only speculate this system is one elaborate attempt at population control.

And of course, event like these occur on top a constant landscape of cars, trucks, buses, bicycles, auto-rickshaws, people, dogs and cows, locked in a perpetual game of chicken.

I tried making some movies, but like all thing spontaneous, the most striking events happen when your camera is not on. Still, I managed to find you YouTube videos that help give a sense of what is is like here. Watch at your own peril!

Typical Traffic at a Typical Intersection in India:


Tutorial: How to Cross a Street in India:

First Weekend in Delhi

So today I hired a cab and decided to go see some sights of the many sights Delhi has to offer. My first stop was Qutb Minar, the tallest brick minaret in the world, and a UNESCO World Heritage Site. Construction began in 1193, with subsequent rulers adding additional stories to it. Since I arrived early in the morning, I was one of the few people here. While I appreciated the architecture and its significance, what I really relished was the open space and tranquility. This was the time I have been in India (including my previous two week trip) where I really felt at peace.

Following this, I went for a brief visit of India Gate, which is very much a mini Arc de Triomphe to honour India's fallen soldiers.

Next I went to Akshardham. I read that this was a recently built temple, so I wasn't quite expecting much.... they don't build temples like they used to, when slave labour was in abundance. So I was totally blown away when I arrived at the complex. Everything about this place is over-the-top, starting with security, which was tighter than anything I have ever seen at any airport; you had you check your cell phones, cameras, lighters, handbags, backpacks; basically everything except the clothes on your back, at the entrance. So unfortunately I don't have any photos of the place.

The main temple was also over-the-top, decorated inside and out with hand carved sandstone. I'm sure they probably used dremmel tools rather than manual chisels, but you could tell that each carving was subtly different from the next, and thus not mass-produced. The temple itself is a tribute to Bhagwan Swaminarayan, the founder of this particular sect of Hinduism.

There were also two presentations I went to; one was an vast labyrinth of animatronics (just like in Disneyworld) that chronicled his life. The other was an IMAX movie. His life story, as presented by these, is over-the-top. Leaving home at age, 11. Spending the next 7 years wandering over 10,000 km, wandering the Himalaya for a year wearing nothing more than a loincloth... and on and on. I'm not kidding. Superman had nothing on this guy. After two hours of this, I was over-the-topped out, and had to leave.

Finally, I went to the Bahai' Lotus Temple. Located within a spacious parkland, the walkway to the temple was a river of humanity. Though the architecture is very aesthetic, the interior is as sparse as Akshardahm is overindulgent. Just an open space with pews. There was a service happening, and I sat down just as a lady started to sing a hymn. It was brief, but her soft and reverent voice resounded throughout the temple. I got goose bumps. I felt a definite tinge of sadness when she finished... I wished she would continue for the next hour. Another moment of profound calm and serenity in this chaotic country.

Though it wasn't intentional, it turned out to be a fairly spiritually themed Sunday jaunt.

Expletives in India

Note to self: When in India, and something startles you, avoid blurting out "Holy Cow!"

Frankie goes to Bollywood...

On the flight over, I was wondering about what I could to with my spare time to get a bit involved with the local Culture. As luck would have it, the day Ciena (the company I'm consulting to) activated my work e-mail account, there was an e-mail about weekly dance classes starting today. It was truly serendipitous.

So I wasn't sure what to expect, but hey, I like to dance, so I showed up at the games room at the appointed time. So it turns out we're doing a series of choreographed danced movies based on the song from a curent Bollywood flick, "Bachna ae Haseeno". The choreography is very much like a Broadway musical. If you've taken western dance, like waltz, or swing, you know that if you know a few dances, there is a lot of overlap. This was something totally different. A lot of moves that everyone was familiar with (in movies) except me.

Here in India, the whole John Travolta point your finger up in one direction, then down at the floor in another, is considered one of a number of very cool moves. I can't wait until I return to Calgary, so I can bust out these moves when they play "Bachna ae Hasseno" at The Warehouse!

Arrived in Delhi

So after 22 hours of travel, I arrived in Delhi at 6:30 this morning, went to the hotel to change and shower, then went to work for about 5 hours.

My trip with British Airways was fantastic. For the Calgary to London leg, I had premium economy seats, so I could actually sleep most of the way. The second leg, London to Delhi, I got bumped into business class. Oh my god it was great! I was flying on Champagne before we left the ground, and the schmoozing only got better from there. The appetizer was scallops with pesto and a side salad, and dinner was tender chicken and bread pudding, with more wine and champagne. Then there was this awesome chocolate dessert with Drambuie..... A great way to start a trip!